Best
of Today's Quotes: Page 2
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NEW EXCLUSIVE:
Quotes from The Covert Comic,
America's Funniest Covert Intelligence Officer
If
life gives you Dalai Lamas, make Dalai Lamanade.
If Dr. Moreau had owned a vacuum cleaner, he'd probably be alive today.
I read a quote attributed to the Beatles. What did they do, speak it in unison.
In my opinion, a woman doesn't deserve the title of 'supermodel' until she
proves she can actually fly.
It's fine to talk about building a new and better world, so long as we don't
lose sight of the profound challenges involved. For example, where are we
supposed to get all that extra dirt?
Some aspects of the Bible I find a little troubling. For instance, if Jesus
truly believed in non-violence, why did He destroy the Death Star?
Remember, scientists who say we only use one tenth of our brains are only
using one tenth of their brains when they say this.
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.
Not lifting weights doesn't kill me.
Therefore, not lifting weights makes me stronger.
They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at Gandhi. They laughed at Albert Schweitzer.
Though I can see laughing at Albert Schweitzer. I mean, Albert Schweitzer
is a pretty funny name.
"Melvin" - When asked by his first grade teacher to name an animal
that lives in Africa
Minds are like parachutes: unless you skydive, they're really not very useful
for anything.
One technical term I think needs clarifying: Is it up the wazoo, or out the
wazoo?
I used to wonder why Europeans were so critical of American food, American
films, and American music. Then I went over there and saw the problem: Europeans
are confused - they've been eating American films, listening to American food,
and watching American music.
Forgiving Third World debt sounds like a great idea, until you start asking
a few questions, like: Do we really want Bono to win a Nobel Peace Prize?!
Everyone likes a killer, but nobody lends him money.
... What? The word is 'kidder?'
Oh. Well, that too.
My grandpa told me, 'When I was your age, we didn't have air conditioning.'
I said, 'Well that was pretty stupid of you!'
I read that knowledge is power, and right after that I bench pressed three
hundred fifty pounds.
I've never quite been comfortable with the fact that lionesses raise the young
and do all the hunting, while the lions lay around in the shade all day.
I mean, shouldn't the lionesses also be fanning the lions?
Never laugh at a clown with a gun? Shouldn’t that be, always laugh at
a clown with a gun?
Vegetius said: If you want peace, prepare for war.
Paul the Apostle said: If you want peace, work for justice.
Twenty dollars says: Vegetius kicks Paul's ass in a paint-ball fight.
I'd love to change the world, but I can't find a big enough diaper.
'Bond.
James Bond."
Corny? Sure. But it does sound better than, "Fleming. Ian Fleming."
"Even
when the experts all agree, they may well be mistaken." --- Bertrand Russell
"It is only about things that do not interest one that one can give a really unbiased opinion, which is no doubt the reason why an unbiased opinion is always valueless." --- Oscar Wilde
"If we'd known we were
going to be The Beatles, we'd have tried harder."---
George Harrison
"George Harison's
passing was really sad, but it does make the afterlife seem much more attractive."---
Michael Palin
"The person who is
brutally honest enjoys the brutality quite as much as the honesty. Possibly
more." --- Richard Needham
"He had a big head
and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating." --- Ayn Rand
If one is master of
one thing and understands one thing well, one has at the same time, insight
into and understanding of many things. --- Van Gogh
"There
is no "I" in team. But there is no "WE" either."
-- submitted by Pam G. (Thanks Pam!!)
"The key to being
a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still
undecided." ---Casey
Stengel
"When you think you've
lost everything, you find out you can lose a little more" --- Bob
Dylan, 1997
"Life is a shipwreck,
but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats." --- Voltaire
"You can't have a
light, without a dark to stick it in..." --- Arlo Guthrie
"The scientific theory
I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline
luggage." -- Mark
Russell
"Imagination was given
to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humor was provided
to console him for what he is" --- Horace
Walpole
"There cannot be a
crisis next week. My schedule is already full" ---
Henry Kissinger
"Frank and explicit
- that is the right line to take when you wish to conceal your own mind and
confuse the minds of others" --- Benjamin
Disraeli
"Don't tell your friends
their social problems: they will cure the fault and never forgive you"
--- Logan Pearsall Smith
"When the going gets
weird, the weird turn pro" --- Hunter S. Thompson
"My life has a superb
cast but I can't figure out the plot" --- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Glory is fleeting,
but obscurity is forever." --- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
"People only see
what they are prepared to see" --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"What we imagine is
order is merely the prevailing form of chaos". --- Kerry Thornley, Principia
Discordia, 5th edition
"Somewhere between
obsession and compulsion is impulse." --- Alex Pushkin (submitted by Erwin.
Thanks!)
"Necessity never made
a good bargain." --- Benjamin Franklin
"The tourist may complain
of other tourists, but he would be lost without them." --- Agnes Repplier
"In dwelling, live
close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair
and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy.
In family life, be completely present." --- Tao Te Ching
"Not all those who
wonder are lost." --- J. R. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
"God is a comedian
playing to an audience too afraid to laugh --- Voltaire
" There's a bit of
magic in everything, and some loss to even things out" --- Lou Reed
"Before the beginning
of great brilliance, there must be chaos. Before a brilliant person begins
something great, they must look foolish in the crowd" --- From the I Ching
"If it weren't for
caffeine I'd have no personality whatsoever!" --- Anonymous
"One of the symptoms
of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly
important." --- Bertrand Russell
"How to get a job:
Speak up and show some life about you. Almost anyone who can give you a decent
job these days is half deaf." --- Liz Carpenter
"If you value the
world simply for what you can get out of it, be assured that the world will
in turn estimate your value to it by what it can get out of you...If you pursue
truth, people will be true to you." --- Arthur Twining Hadley, President
of Yale University, 1903
"Life is rough for
everyone....Life isn't always fair. Whatever it is that hits the fan, its
never evenly distributed - some always tend to get more of it than others."
--- Ann Landers
"If you ever think
you're too small to be effective, you've never been in bed with a mosquito."
--- Anita Roddick (founder of The Body Shop)
"The way I see it,
if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain" --- Dolly Parton
"Right now I'm having
amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before"
--- Stephen Wright
"Things are always
darkest just before they go pitch black" --- Marlene
Dietrich
"Perpetual devotion
to what a man calls his business is only to be sustained by neglect of many
other things" --- Robert Lewis Stevenson
"An eye for an eye
only ends up making the whole world blind" --- Gandhi
"Money often costs
too much." --- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"There are always
a lot of people so afraid of rocking the boat that they stop rowing. We can
never get ahead that way" --- Harry S. Truman, 1952
"Education's purpose
is to replace an empty mind with an open one" --- Malcolm S. Forbes
"Since one never knows
what will be the line of advance, it is always most rash to condemn what is
not quite in the fashion of the moment." --- Paul Martin (1906)
"Everyone has talent.
What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it
leads." --- Erica Jong
"Some minds are eager
for change, and some are angry at any" --- M. Woolsey Stryker, 1894
"Thomas Jefferson
spoke of certain truths as self-evident. He did not say that these truths
were self-explanatory or that they were self-operating." --- J. Martin
Klotsche, 1952
"The two hardest things
to handle in life are failure and success. --- Unknown
"Nobody objects to
a woman being a good writer, or a good sculptor, or geneticist, if at the
same time she manages to be a good wife, a mother, good-looking, good-tempered,
well-dressed, well-groomed, and un-aggressive. --- Elizabeth Dole
"Without deviation
from the norm, progress is not possible" --- Frank
Zappa
"When I was a boy
I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe
it." --- Clarence Darrow
"There are two kinds
of people, those who finish what they start and so on." --- Robert Byrne
"Be more concerned
with your character than with your reputation. Your character is what you
really are while your reputation is merely what others think you are."
--- John Wooden, UCLA Basketball coach
"Forget injuries,
never forget kindnesses --- Chinese Proverb
"Never, for the sake
of peace and quiet, deny your own experience or convictions." - -- Dag
Hammerskjold
"The only things that
evolve by themselves in an organization are disorder, friction, and malperformance."
--- Peter Drucker
"If we had no defects
ourselves, we should not take so much pleasure in noting those of others."
--- La Rochefoucauld
Please feel free to contribute
your favorite quotes
"It
has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
--- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
"Nothing
is as real as a dream. The world can change about you, but your dream will
not. It will always be your link with the person, young and full of hope.
If you hold on to it you may grow old but you will never be old. And that
is the ultimate success" --- Tom Clancy
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